I suck at this....can someone with a penis please interpret

Q u don't get the point...far from it. I didn't say u had little restraint and it wasn't a criticism. It was simply an explanation to show u that if all I wanted from u was ur goodies I would've moved different...much of what u say that I say or mean has never been said or implied by me..it is said through whatever lens u have on and makes it twisted...that's why I said i doh even know if it makes sense to respond anymore. If I show that I not jus cold hearted and care bout how all of this going down on ur end I'm patronizing and insincere. If I don't Im cold and I get the is that all u have to say. What sweeping judgements prey tell? Where the whole seen in public thing come out from....haven't we been in public on several occassions? I honestly think we need a social media time out. Idk where u get half d things u say from. Ok, I hear ya with the stalking thing though and that must've been something that was very traumatizing..I think if we are to talk further about this it should be done face to face...thats if u want to....I can't help but comment on that last part too bout not worth much.. Thas not true Q. I guess u may be emotional right now and that may affect how u see somethings but I've never treated u like that and ah mean I'm a guy...a guy who is attracted to u in all d different ways that I told u before including physically...jus to reiterate the point if I didn't value your worth I wouldn't have been trying to pace myself wrt to how physical we got. Yes female are sexual to but u know how hard that it to do? It doesnt mean u had little restraint...and it doesnt mean I hardly value u either. It was exactly what I told u - the attraction was mutual. It was me feelin that attraction and being drawn to you but not wantin to hurt u either by doing something I wasn't sure my future actions could back up. You said u trusted me with you. I don't thing that came from no where. I've always had respec for you and valued your worth

Ive said it all before

Noone understands what it feels back to leave home for school and a mother acts like she would miss you, and when you return, you're forgotten.

Noone understands how difficult it is to live in the shadow of the pretty one. In a world where pretty equals perfect

Noone understands  how hard it is to hear that you dont matter, and even harder to forget it, when you think its true.

Nobody understands

Ask Rene: Can I Date My Sister’s Ex-Fiance?

Dear Rene,

Here’s a question for you. I’ve always had a crush on my older sister’s now, ex-fiance. Susan and Matt dated for two years and broke up about a year ago. During a girl’s night out, I ran into Matt at a local bar and we spent quite a bit of time catching up. It felt great because it was like seeing an old friend.

When it was time to leave, Matt gave me a kiss on the cheek and I felt a spark, a connection with him. I know he did too because he told me he was going to call so we could get together. Needless to say, I felt like I was walking on air when I left the bar.

Rene, I really like him but of course, I am worried about how this will all shake out. Is this a good or bad idea? What are the rules when it comes to dating my sister’s ex-fiance?

Sheila

Chicago

Dear Sheila:

I think this is a FANTASTIC idea! Listen, when you get married, make sure your sister is your maid of honor and recruit her to throw your first baby shower. Then ask her if she’d be your birthing buddy when you push out all 2.5 kids that you and Matt will have as part of your perfect, happy little family. SHEESH! Really lady? In case you don’t know, that is SARCASM spelled out with a highlighter, in all caps with a red neon arrow pointing at it because apparently your common sense gauge is broken. Here’s how I see it.

IT WILL CRUSH YOUR SISTER: Yes, Matt and Susan are no longer seeing one another but at one time, they had a deep connection and were planning on sharing their lives together. That train jumped the tracks and a left trail of bloody carnage in its wake. A year later, I’m sure there’s a part of Susan that still cares for Matt; in fact, she may still be trying to get over him. You parading him around like you got the best toy from the Cracker Jack box is not going to be conducive to her healing. In fact, it’s ugly and mean, which brings me to my next point…

WHAT’S GOING ON IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SISTER? I’m not a psychologist as I have said before but the fact that you would even consider this makes me wonder about the underlying issues between you and Susan. Why are you doing this? You want something the older sister had? Is this your chance to have some crazy power over her? A chance to cut her deep? Because if you start dating her ex you will do just that. She might even find out that you had a crush on Matt  all along. Then how will Susan feel? How will YOU feel? And speaking of motives and underlying issues, what is up with Matt? Why is HE doing this and what makes him think this is okay? Chew on that for just a second and then…

RUN FAR, FUN FAST: This is real life, not Lifetime. This is real emotion with real people involved. I have one sister and when she divorced her first husband, I wanted to kick that cad right in the keister for hurting my sister the way he did. Who knows what happened between Matt and Susan but it probably wasn’t good given that they’re not still together. Look, there are just some things that violate life’s Big Book of Rules and this is one of them.  I’m sure you could make the argument for your personal happiness and you and Matt were destined to be together. I’m not buying it and I doubt your sister will either. The “ick” factor is hovering quite high here. Just don’t do it.

Oh and that “connection” you felt when Matt kissed you on the check? Yeah, that was booze talking. Ignore it. There are tons fish in the sea.  If you care about your sister and her feelings, you’ll cast your net in another direction.

I just need to get away, far

So yesterday I stayed home from class, came out my room to see my sister dressed and ready to go. She looks at me uneasy then my ex, a boy i used to fool around with, a boy who went psycho after he wanted me bk pulls up, and she jumps in his car. I pull out my phone, pic , upload to fb with the caption "this is what a stink bitch does" yes its immature, but standing right next to me, screaming, is her 15 month old daughter. She's shouting mummy mummy, while her mother goes off with him.

And no he's not a catch, no, Im not jealous. He's a dirty little boy who smokes weed. But why someone I had history with? Something which she was aware of. To me it just highlights how tactless she is, or maybe just how stupid. My friends save for 1 say im right to say its disgusting. Theyre expecially disgusted by his role in all of this.

So after i take the pic and upload, my neice is still screaming, my mother comes to pick her up cnfused and i tell her with venom,im going out, i just need to get out of the house "your daughter just went with my ex" So she picks up the phone and calls her, comes to report she told her to come back home. Im still going. I shower quickly, pack my bag and leave home, only to see the car swing past me hurriedly as im bending the corner. I just need to get away

Yes im the one that's always wrong and im a deadbeat

Saturday: you wanna comewith me down south, ill drive
No response
Sunday,Im feeling for an ice cream,you wanna comewith
No
And today is tuesday, and you hopped in the car and go off with her, you then barge in the room and ask me why :you does open your window
My reply via text :"because i sometimes want to prove to myself im not lying but you are when you say you dont want to go somewhere with me but do so with her"
BARGES INTO ROOM


'YOU SEE YOU AND YOUR SHIT, I FED UP OF YOU AND YOUR BULLSHIT, YOU DOES TRY YOUR LUCK.

but i was simply pointing out how it looks to me,

 i dont care,you full of bullshit.You know where i went, to the grocery, to buy______ yes your sister gave me money and you didnt, you just full of shit, thats all

slams door once, shingles fall, slams door twice.

I HAVE TO BE THE WORST DAUGHTER EVER, TO EVEN EXPECT MY MOTHER TO WANT TO SPEND TIMEWITH ME,L. HOW DARE I EXPECT THAT, WHY WOULD SHE??? IM A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT

I think my paitience is being tested

Oh dear god kill me now, run me over. And honestly I dont care for a funeral. This cannot be it?? I know im moaning and whining for the past 5 months over something that has been a reality for some people's past couple years but please, let $3800 a month not be my reality after having studied for both a bsc, and a msc with 2000 in loans a month....Im left with basically nothing. And to top it all off, the mother gets a new job, is flaunting her uniforms and the sister gets made permanent, both having only studied up to cxc. I tried to be happy for the friend who told me she got a new job friday, or the one whose byline i saw today, but im fucking jealous and becoming more and more depressed. Im beginning to realize life isnt fucking fair and maybe i should have just said fuck school and done something else. Its sad, its reality. I really just want enough money to move out and have my own place. Last sunday that ungrateful did something violent towards me as a joke and the mother said not a fucking word. It hurts. The father on the other hnd yelled at me. I fucking hate my life sometimes.  Dear god help me, $6000 a month will surely suffice me being close to that goal. Im emotionally drowning and tired of those who are supposed to be my family because they really never ever support me and my shit. and no1 understands because everything for them is so honky dorey. 

Im sorry, sort this 1 out yourselves, since yall make the perfect fucking team

Ugh 2012 come soon

i am so not in a good mood, that bitch got me so pissed in work todayl, oh how i do so much shit in d cash book, 3 errors....ughdo it yourself, im doing the best I can and im only human, humans make mistakes....i really hope after your show of behaviour today you dont expect me to "sit and eat with you like an office family"
Plus I hate double agents like horsey Jill and Jess.


Who the fuck took out my laptop battery and replaced it with the old one, had me wondering why it wsas draining so quickly

Today's events

I freaking touched another car while reversing in couva, dude wasnt too upset, neitehr was I which is strange, maybe because of the mood I was in

The square lady from work "threw words for me" saying im making mistakes in the cash book, wow,lady idgaf if I suck at accounts, it isnt my thing and I know it

Im stillll waiting on websource to deliver my stuff, meanwhile cunty mc countrypants doesnt understand how ordering online works. Put money on my VTM for me to buy her kid a toy and is now upset with me because she didnt put aside enough money for freight and shipping

Its mine

I really dont understand how the hell I could be seen as selfish, its my stuff, you dont fucking walk out the house in my shoe without saying anything and expect to it be normal. And of late every1 is asking me to borrow money, and not paying me back. That shit is ovver, new leaf, new year. Im tired of being a human doormat. Its fucking mine, not yours. And the reason Im so possessive is its all I have, it wont love me back but it sure as fuucking hell leaves a better impression on me mentally than  you do.

Leave me alone when Im pissed off

You have 2 daughters . I spot your favorite gold ring  on her finger, i go to my room, and you tell me I have no right to be upset? I didnt say a word eh. But Im wrong. Dont tell me how to feel. I cant wait to move out of here

What a life

Ive been going to counselling, which may explain why I havent been writing as much, its nice to be able to vent and not be judged on it..I didnt go this week though and im itching to tell the counsellor and yall as well how everything went with redoing my thingy for la bruja....wellllll.....SHE IS A LUNATIC. Deadeyez, you wouldnt believe what happened in class, frkin psycho and evry1 just sat there like wtf just happened, Anywho she said I did an excellent pres. Which may prolly mean I get 2/50 by her psychotic standards..

why

cant everyone wash their own fucking dishes....this whole week system is shit, you lick a bowl, you wipe off ur saliva, i lick one, i do the same....

Writing back my story

I just played the recording from that wknd and my knees started to shake. Am I strong enough? Maybe. Do I wish I didnt write the Dean? Maybe. Do I think anything will come of my complaints? No!!

So as of write now I am coersively seeking therapy just so that I can be given a grade formy course. I have NO problem with therapy in fact I like it but being compelled to do 10 sessions is a bit rush and I would think she, as a professional would know that there would be little gains from rushing the process.

So now, Im going to counsel myself addressing the issues highlighted..

Dependence on laptop-I write my notes there, i suffer from hyperhydrosis which has resulted in a lifetime of poor penmanship. So from now on I will walk with a rock and a knife, to carve out my notes, etch them out in hyroglyphics.

Lack of self confidence as evidenced by asking my grade-Umm if a student DIDNT wonder how he or she performed id be worried, so, to address this in the future, id take a peek in your mark book. Look Ma! No questions, arent you proud.

My inability to deal with failure and negative feedback with inappropriate behaviour such as sobbing - Listen here, Ill have you know I failed both UWI Accounts and Economics,  and I dealt with it, ihave an undergrad degree, I didnt go shanking the teacher. As for innapproprite behaviour such as sobbing, were you in the toilet stall with me lizzie the lezzie??? How do you know it wasnt allergies from your leau de granny perfume?? All you saw was a red face. Plus real humans cry, unless u arent a real human, but then again, you're perfect.

Your poor people skills- Lady, I have like 300 friends on fb, all of whom I know and actually talk to.....nuffsaid

I wish i could say all these things to you, but I cant, if you know me,  this is what goes through my brain but doesnt come out my mouth. You think I have poor people skills but you need to come see me, observe me outside of the classroom or even read my blog and you may understand me. You sent me into a depression with your unkind ways and words, your extremely inaccurate assessment of me. But im fighting my way out of it, thanks to some friends, especially PS who supported me here. 

I said a prayer for you today that you may grow a heart. And I meant it. I think sometimes people  forget where they come from or what they come from and as such they become someone else, someone unlikeable but they think they are loved. A kind of regina george syndrome. I dont know what the future holds for me with this programme but I know that you DONT hold my future in your hands really, Ill make my own

\

Yesterday was THE WORST

So if you remember, I failed my cw in that specific course Well i flew across y2d 3 am  to attend the first lecture and she told me NOT to come into her class, the fact that Im here show's that im being manipulative and if all i have to do is prepare a case presentation for the last lecture I do not need to be here. I explained to her that I didnt want to miss any information relevant to the presenattaion and she said thats not her problem, I am NOT to come into her class and disrupt the flow of it by being there

...

Since you told me that you had already selected a therapist and that you were already scheduled to start therapy because your family also had some similar concerns about your behavior, I trust that you did and that you will be willing to sign a release to the school for your therapist to provide a summary as to how many sessions you had, the areas that were covered and the progress you have made.

Then i will be allowed to repeat the component

They will never understand

Clearly i chose wrongly
But its about that time
Im tired
That was uncaring
After I tried to help out
That says it all
That secret
Im done
Im done
Im fucking done

2 wishes, die or die

I dont matter.
I wont matter
I dont deserve anything
No one cares
Why?
Why am I here
To be lonely?
I guess so
No one fucking cares

On my own

I only write when im upset but its becoming clear that im always upset..I would never understand how you culd misenterpret what you do as support. You make me feel guilty for not working and not contributing. But im in school. And when you make sly comments like oh the only person you responsible for is the little boy it hurts because im drowning under loan paymnets and i mean although I know i am responsible.. You encouraged me to take them with the promise that you'd help me repay. You dont. Why is it so hard to understand why m in school and honestly sometimes you make me feel like youd be happier if i took the path you did, and just forgot about school and settled down. Idk if then id be happy but for so long my life has been a perpetual struggle to please you but its always that my accomplishments are trivialized or overshadowed by what she has done. You seem bored with me yet spend hours on her bed just gazing and listening to thr babbles of her accomplishments. And i feel as if once again you are ready for me to go, but go where. I think you will never understand how much i hold in, because I have learnt that I am the one who must keep quiet while she vents her anger such as the incident with the fan the other day. It feels likeso often your levels of anger is so misplaced and in doing so you solidify that i am the greather disappointment. I have no money, no job and I really cant go anywhere so why push me to go. All i feel is pressure, in my throat, in my chest and in my head and as always its making me more and mor depressed. being the persn i am i never forget ANYTHING that is sad to me and as a result your words from earlier keep playing in my head as painful as they are. I want o get out. I want to leave but i really cant and this is hurting me. But you nly see what you want to but even as writing this i know i am always wrong and nothing i say really meeans anything. who cares how i feel, its always me with me and me

nuff said