Better off dead

Maybe, the life i see, is just a dream, an illusion
.Maybe, this life i live isnt mine, but that of another person.
 Disrespect, Discontent, Disbelief, Dispair, Distrust,
Never Enough, Not good enough a life full of tears
I cry, and no one cares
They cry and everyone sees
They cry and the world stops spinning
I cry and have to just keep faking
Faking a smile
Pretending to care
While thinking fuck the world
Its just too much, yet i have lived so long compared to many unfortuntate ones
but why do i look to Judas' branch
Judas' tree to close my eyes
Im tired, i want, to not feel, to not care. To just say shut the fuck up
To just be me,  why cant everyone else be me
Why cant everyone else share my insane thoughts
Incoherent, psychotic, lonely
Take them all
Ambien, thats all i want, one little pill
and Say Cheese!!

Dear mother

It feels as if we had a superficial relationship. As if I cant speak to you. As if you dont want to hear what I say. It has always felt like in our house, the voices to be heard have always gone in the order of G You Me Boy. To me, she has always had cntrol of the house, and you, and your actions and as a result I feel like I could do no more than resent her. And I resent her to a point to which I dont understand. You say that you have always been fair and equal in your affection , but in no way has that even been close to being true. You never even notice the ease with which she can come to you with something, but the hesitance with which I have brought things to you. And trust me, I have learnt over time that its easier for me to deal with stuff myself than come to you because we dont have that.  She can tell you she slept with tom dick and harry, and got this and that rash, and its your little secret, you treat her like a saint. Yet in my mind, with all my actions I constantly hear you nagging that I am the oldest, I have an example to set.You fail to notice this. I feel like I am too old to be feeling this way and I hate that I cant just be like screw it all, I got along fine without it, so why bother now. But once again G has triumphed in what I see is a self serving attempt to have you under her beck and call for another 18 years. Where I said ok by 25 I was leaving home to give you your life, I see now that it will never again be your life it will revolve around G, for another 18 years. And I cant just suck it up and be like oh ok, forget it, because to me, once again G steals the show. And it is so upsetting that she does her mess without consequences. No consequences at all and you approve of it all. She lied to your face, but its ok, because in the end it is what it is.So does that mean that I can and could have lied to you, big lies, and dealt with nothing no. And it hurts so bad to think that you're happy abt this child. And to think that you saw it as something meriting being dishonest to me, and it is dishonest. And when you pretend not to understand why Im jealous, its just like ok...  So i feel like i have no place with you people here, in this house, because I am and will always be the outsider. And you see me stating my feelings as me being difficult, but I cannot help how I feel, Upset, Jealous and Lonely because lets face it, as soon as it comes, itll be oh im so happy, G made me proud and Grr is just a bitch who is trying to make everyone's  life a living hell.