The day after

So  the events of this week taught me a thing or two about love. I realize that in addition 2 my parents, ryan really didnt love me. If he did, he surely wouldnt have waited 12 hours to show concern by requesting I call HIM back to find out whats wrong. Ive been more concerned about his mother than he showed me this past week. I really dont know why i fall for these assholes who see me as undeserving of happiness. So now im certain he was cheating as everyone thought. I just dont understand why no1 thinks i deserve hole love. And my father in addition, the reason i'm in the hospital is because im jealous of giselle. You see that, fuck you and have a nice life

Day 11: Well this is it

She finally said it. Im a waste of her time and space. Apparently in a week ive proven that im too much and she told me im old enough so get out. She doesnt care about me and ive taken all from her and im killing her by being me, being alive, being depressed and needing help. I really dont know why i was born. I was born uglier than everyone else and have always had to try harder. So to put everyone out of their misery ive decided to kill myself. lIKE SHE SAID IM A WASTE OF SPACE. tHIS IS MY FIINAL POST.

Day 10: Sadness Returns

Nobody cares or understands or wants to understand how i feel. And ive grown so accustomed to it, bottling up my feelings just to make everyone else feel more confortable that i cant share, cant vent, just could only sit back and cry. How can I go back to barbados more fragile than I came? How? I know she'll see my weakness and ill be instant prey for a hostile attcak. What do I do? Im scared and hurt and nobody cares. I know nobody. Im too tiring to care about. Im not pretty enough, not worth caring about and everyone just assumes im jealous. But when im dead, they'll know

Day 9: The end nears

So i'll be back in the home in less than 24 hours and im quite sad. To think that they spent the day proudly displaying their new "toy" and saying oh what a bitch she is for not wanting to play in the game I shall aptly call "lets enable the teenagers in procreating again and again and again and again." Yes she's such a bitch for standing up for what she's been taught. Shame on her! And her standards which she didnt come up with but her mother did. I hate to think I wasted my whole life walking the line when I could have just said fuck the rules and gotten away with it. Well  I guess some are luckier than others, some like me get slapped!

Day8 This is for yesterday

Today was an ok day. Despite my mother doing what she always does metaphorically and walking away when  im speaking to her about how I feel. Im in Tobago with la bruja. And tbh, its not that bad. However she is extremely superficial, not walking 2 walk near steve in case ppl see. Bitch get a life! At the risk of speaking prematurely, 1 down 1 to go

Day 7 : Contempt

You know what, screw all of you!

Day 6: Do you know?

How do you know that you screwed up as a parent? When you end up with one screwed up kid. How do you know you really screwed up? When the other kid screwed up even more and you ignore it. Fact is, life sucks. Fact is, my life sucks. But thats life I guess. Yeh right! Then why are some people happy. Then why do some people pretend to be happy to make the world seem more liveable? Why standards for some, and no standards for others? You raise one to be responsible, always aware of the rules and when bullshit happens, that role goes out the window and she is told to forget everything I indoctrinized in you. Forget it all. You no longer matter. All you were taught no longer matter. Recklessness and randomness runs the show. So i say screw you. One crying child is more important than the other. I will move out and forget you. You taught me to forget things. I will forget you, your rules and my former life

Day 5

Still in self imposed quarantine. Yet feeling better than before. Still hate it, still want to leave, still replaced,still alone, still looking in from the outside. When would she fully understand? Never. I just count down the days until I can move out and forget them all. 2 years to 25...no1 cares

DAY 3

She really doesnt get it? All the shoo shooing i spoke about and the secret society bullshit where she and the creature are always together mumbling about some secret society club stuff that i'll most likely never know about hurts. And ive said it before it will hurt. But its like oh fuck her, lets just flaunt it all. Flaunt all the bullshit. Flaunt that the baby daddy apparently stays over in a room behind a closed door. Flaunt that oh like she siad at least Giselle could give her her first grandchild. I just wanna move out of here as fast as possible and forget these fake uncaring people

DAY 2 Back in the home

I really feel so sad. I dont know what to do. I cant really say much. I ended things with ryan yesterday and felt much less than I feel right now. All my emotions are channeled into the fact that I have no family. I feel like a permanent loner and judging by what I did yesterday, i may never get the whole shebang. I just wish people would accept and love me for who I am. I just wish the mother would understand that im an outsider, Even more so with the new creature in town Im even more of a minute specimen. I really just wish I would die. No one would miss me. Ive run through the scenario numerous times. If a burgular breaks in and has to take someone hostage, I'll go, ill be the least missed and i think everyone would volunteer me cuz I have the least to lose.

Im Single again...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AwaA85nEbE

First time i did this by choice, made it my own decision. But it needed to be done. I wasnt happy. And i guess its best i see about myself before I compromise for anyone. As for how i'll feel tomorrow, i dont know. But there has to be some sort of freaking glitter I in the rainclouds.

Hold me when Im here, love me when Im gone

I just realized that im living for people and as a result dying in myself. Im not happy yet I try too hard to make them proud and make them happy. I never feel loved but I try 2 give love. I just wish someone would understand, really understand how I feel, how sad I get, how lonely I am....but i just need to shut up, mask it all and  take and take and take until im dead