Yesterday was THE WORST

So if you remember, I failed my cw in that specific course Well i flew across y2d 3 am  to attend the first lecture and she told me NOT to come into her class, the fact that Im here show's that im being manipulative and if all i have to do is prepare a case presentation for the last lecture I do not need to be here. I explained to her that I didnt want to miss any information relevant to the presenattaion and she said thats not her problem, I am NOT to come into her class and disrupt the flow of it by being there

...

Since you told me that you had already selected a therapist and that you were already scheduled to start therapy because your family also had some similar concerns about your behavior, I trust that you did and that you will be willing to sign a release to the school for your therapist to provide a summary as to how many sessions you had, the areas that were covered and the progress you have made.

Then i will be allowed to repeat the component

They will never understand

Clearly i chose wrongly
But its about that time
Im tired
That was uncaring
After I tried to help out
That says it all
That secret
Im done
Im done
Im fucking done

2 wishes, die or die

I dont matter.
I wont matter
I dont deserve anything
No one cares
Why?
Why am I here
To be lonely?
I guess so
No one fucking cares

On my own

I only write when im upset but its becoming clear that im always upset..I would never understand how you culd misenterpret what you do as support. You make me feel guilty for not working and not contributing. But im in school. And when you make sly comments like oh the only person you responsible for is the little boy it hurts because im drowning under loan paymnets and i mean although I know i am responsible.. You encouraged me to take them with the promise that you'd help me repay. You dont. Why is it so hard to understand why m in school and honestly sometimes you make me feel like youd be happier if i took the path you did, and just forgot about school and settled down. Idk if then id be happy but for so long my life has been a perpetual struggle to please you but its always that my accomplishments are trivialized or overshadowed by what she has done. You seem bored with me yet spend hours on her bed just gazing and listening to thr babbles of her accomplishments. And i feel as if once again you are ready for me to go, but go where. I think you will never understand how much i hold in, because I have learnt that I am the one who must keep quiet while she vents her anger such as the incident with the fan the other day. It feels likeso often your levels of anger is so misplaced and in doing so you solidify that i am the greather disappointment. I have no money, no job and I really cant go anywhere so why push me to go. All i feel is pressure, in my throat, in my chest and in my head and as always its making me more and mor depressed. being the persn i am i never forget ANYTHING that is sad to me and as a result your words from earlier keep playing in my head as painful as they are. I want o get out. I want to leave but i really cant and this is hurting me. But you nly see what you want to but even as writing this i know i am always wrong and nothing i say really meeans anything. who cares how i feel, its always me with me and me

nuff said

Pain

I hold so much pain in my heart in my chest it hurts
It will never disappear
And so i cry, shed tears, more than necessary in the hope that the pain will go away
But it wont, itll stay with me until I die
And no1 but me shall weep

Success=simultaneous failure?

Sometimes i wonder if i overestimate my acheivements, my successes
I think most mothers would be proud of what I acheived, undergrad then masters and next phd
But my mother, she's just like blah
I think she would be more proud of me if i settled down and got married even if unhappily
Would have been more proud if i could have given her a grandchild
Would have been more proud if i were less smart
Would have been prouder if I were prettier
But I am not
I feel like a perpetual disappointment.

The only REAL thing keeping me from killing myself is my student loans. Im not sefish enough to leave them to pay it.

But maybe after, when im done, i will
Because i really do hate who I am and hate my life