Ok now that the year is nearing close i look forward not back. I am trying to develop a new outlook, not to stay mum but to shout it out loud, not to fall blindly but to step cautiously, but mostly, to protect my most fragile asset, my heart. Yeh i met R and sometimes when im with him i feel as giddy and childish as i did before. Yet i maintain control. I hold the reins! I steer my course! You're fun, you're cute and you're mind for the moment, lest i not forget this is a temporary arrangement. Nothing lasts forever. But ill let you hold my hand, and i'll hold yours and for the time being, promise to be faithful. Thats the least I can do!!

I guess its so easy for my mood to be reflected in my blog. You make me so angry. You're a dog. You're a liar. You're evil. You did nothing in the end but break me down and reduce me to the bitter bitch i am now. And you know what I hate who im once again becoming, someone like you.
Someone selfish and hurtful and uncaring and only thinking with my sex drive. I HATE YOU AND I HATE ALL YOU'VE BECOME. I HATE THE PERSON I AM NOW AND I WONT EVER TRUST ANOTHER AGAIN!!!!

My life starts here!

Ok this year was one of the hardest. So many trials so much drama, so much heartbreak. I was in love, everyone knows this, and i still get i cant believe yall broke up, yall were so perfect together. But looking perfect just isnt enough. We barely fought, until then. We barely quarrled, until then, we barely hurt one another, until then. He was the one i looked up to, the one i turned to support, for guidance and he was also the one who let me down, then picked me up and promised me, let me down, then did it again then let me down. Now here i stand. The remnants of a thrice broken heart wondering where to go from here. When my friends in relationships turn to me for answers all i could say is, look at me, look at my situation, look at the cycles i have been in for the past year, do i really look like someone who could offer good advice. Do i really look like someone who could help. Im emotionally shattered and heartbroken. Im second best. Im not good enough. I honestly do hate my life, at least the one i had in 2008. It was supposed to be the year, my year and look who i am. Look where i am, i dont even know. Ive been pushing everyone away and pretending and smiling and trying to look happy but i really dont know what im doing. He taught me how to be a better person, in fact i wanted to become a better person for him but it just wasnt enough. Im learning that you just cant trust people. That people only care about themselves.Im trying to do the same. Maybe then ill finally learn to love myself again.

ALL MEN ARE EVIL
IF I EVER FORGET THAT REFER ME BACK TO THIS BLOG
THEY'RE SELFFISH
THEY'RE MANIPULATIVE
THEY'RE HURTFUL
THEY MAKE US FEEL FAT
THEY MAKE US FEEL BAD ABOUT OURSELVES
THEY MAKE US INSECURE
THEY MAKE US INTO JEALOUS BITCHES
THEY CRITICIZE US FOR BEING JEALOUS BITCHES
THEY KNOCK US UP AND DUMP US
THEY TELL US THEY LOVE US THEN THEY LEAVE US
THEY DONT HAVE A CLUE!!!!

Tired

Of you
Of me
Of your money
Of your cheating
Of your lying
Of your indecisiveness
Of your hating
Of your ungratefulness
Of wishing
Of wondering
Of remembering
Of her
Of us!!

You and I

You begged me to trust you.
You begged me to believe i could lean on you again
You made promises you never would make me cry
You said u wished things could be "like i never left"
I listened
I trusted
I gave in
I held back
You said I could have faith in you
You said to there you would never again return
You said you're mine and mine alone
You said you took your time
Im hurt
Im let down
Im in disbelief
Im so stupid
You dont care about the risk=you dont care about me!!

The dumbest thing ive heard in a while!!

Ok well i wont lie, i came on to see if my petition posted but while im at it ill let u know what im up to. Im tryna find a post on convo written by some uneducated twat who wont vote for obama because black people at her school were mean. My one retort, all black republicans, dont vote for the old soon to be dead man because white people enslaved us. Secondly, in my quest to be a better person i've decided to answer a few cosmo questions....btw n.b virgins are weirdos!!

Ok im a meanie i know, but i think appearances are the only thing we;re given when faced with a character like A.G. I mean what 20 sumtin yr old has a goatee AND an afro...Baby we were born of that century no born to carry it. Ne ways when u say ur gonna add me on msn mssgr my instant thought is block and delete, excuse..."im never online" but u see when u follow up that suggestion with the question if im gonna talk 2 u u put me in an awkward...eek. I think i did the right thing, pretend i didnt hear it all...soryy. Ok idiot, ur losing major points already. IDK how ferris bueller played it sick for an entire day, that was firetrucking hard work, but i wanted some love and affection, i got like 30% of what i really wanted, kisses hugs, heading to work late, extra attention...U see me, ill find someone who gives me the percentage i want. Move over B

Todays day

Ok emmy jus asked me to hook him up on someone. Not difficult but says a lot about our friendship. At one point in time i thought i had a crush on him. He's a great guy, not horrible looking but no Jude Law (ooh baby)

So onto looking i will, any good girls, 22 and under, reading this, willing to date a guy in canada mssg me. Ok onto topic number 2 of the day, relationships and great sex. Yesterday B stayed home and i was priveledged enuff to geta day of mind blowing sex followed by dinner. Yeah we not together, but hey I dont kno, Its not no strings attached or, all emotions barred but to me and to him i guess it means something but lets get down 2 bizness. Ok yah, simma says she gonna stay celibate till she's married and i keep wondering if she knows what she's gettin hersel into cuz thats a humongous risk. He could be small, be impotent, be selfish, be domineering and all those factors. I for one am glad that i didnt wait

Tobaagooooooo

Ah wee boy, idk wtf that sayin mean but i am bun...and i ask myself why is it white ppl suntan?? Black as i am ill never understand it. I spent 2 days in 2bago and ache all over, my face is peeling, my ass is swollen and white ppl call tanning fun...Crazy ass mofos. Neways bago was fun, i saw my bestie off to england again sob, its only 3 months. Then we on da prowl!!

Ok scurred shitless!!!

OK SERIOUSLY SCARED!!!! Final yr coming around which means final year project. Ok i dont usually mind projects but the analyzing of data is so fuckingly scary. Now im rethinking my psychology degree. I know i shouldnt, its what ive wanted to do for ages now and im really fortunate to be given this bla bla bla, but still i fruckin suck and numbers. I thought doing pscyhology was a free pass from not doing math forever and ever amen! Tuff luck, all the statistical analyses, post tests and pretests are tools of the devil to ensure im perfectly mad by the time i depart from university... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Ok my day

Ive finally decided to become an avid blogger, not one who says hey im gonna start a blog then disaparecer shortly after. I mean it isnt really that difficult! I have a lot to say and i love to write, so here goes. This week is freshers week in uwi... haha!!! Technically all the freebies are for the freshers. Yeah rite, not gonna happen! This far ive gotten a fruta, some orchard, some hair products, a t-shirt a sasha discount card bla bla bla... Still I want more.I mean where are the good freebies??? For the past 2 days there have been cars parked out in the yard for show, why tantalize us pedestrians with a motor vehicle when ur not giving them away. If after u read this blog u decide ur giving one away i want a hot pink mini thank you very much. Now on the matter at hand, how the fuzz do u tell someone who broke ur heart not once but twice that u love him too? Should u? Could u forgive? Is it really once a cheater always a cheater? Should i make u wait? Was telling you i hate u ur turning point? Why is it that when we see something leaving we decide its necessary, its ur all, u love and u dont want it to leave? Please I seriously need to know, cuz how come the relationship you couldnt end, the nonesense u couldnt stop suddenly ceases when i say goodbye!!!! Im something special! Just wait and see

Oh gorsh man, why every friggin ting in dis life hadda be so hard to obtain, love (stress), money (stress) independence (stress). I jus want things to come easily. I know, I know, the stress is part of the life lesson, the maturity, a means to an ends ( God i jus hope u kno that my ends include, a house in Mexico and a lifetime of happiness). I think d money isnt all important, i just want peace. I know thats a little much 2 ask, but really, all i wanna be happy!! Right now im at the phase of my perpetual cycle where I hate all men and wont put my trust in any of them. I wish someone would come along and just change my perspective, prove me wrong. Im jus making do with the cards im being dealt...