The day after

So  the events of this week taught me a thing or two about love. I realize that in addition 2 my parents, ryan really didnt love me. If he did, he surely wouldnt have waited 12 hours to show concern by requesting I call HIM back to find out whats wrong. Ive been more concerned about his mother than he showed me this past week. I really dont know why i fall for these assholes who see me as undeserving of happiness. So now im certain he was cheating as everyone thought. I just dont understand why no1 thinks i deserve hole love. And my father in addition, the reason i'm in the hospital is because im jealous of giselle. You see that, fuck you and have a nice life

Day 11: Well this is it

She finally said it. Im a waste of her time and space. Apparently in a week ive proven that im too much and she told me im old enough so get out. She doesnt care about me and ive taken all from her and im killing her by being me, being alive, being depressed and needing help. I really dont know why i was born. I was born uglier than everyone else and have always had to try harder. So to put everyone out of their misery ive decided to kill myself. lIKE SHE SAID IM A WASTE OF SPACE. tHIS IS MY FIINAL POST.

Day 10: Sadness Returns

Nobody cares or understands or wants to understand how i feel. And ive grown so accustomed to it, bottling up my feelings just to make everyone else feel more confortable that i cant share, cant vent, just could only sit back and cry. How can I go back to barbados more fragile than I came? How? I know she'll see my weakness and ill be instant prey for a hostile attcak. What do I do? Im scared and hurt and nobody cares. I know nobody. Im too tiring to care about. Im not pretty enough, not worth caring about and everyone just assumes im jealous. But when im dead, they'll know

Day 9: The end nears

So i'll be back in the home in less than 24 hours and im quite sad. To think that they spent the day proudly displaying their new "toy" and saying oh what a bitch she is for not wanting to play in the game I shall aptly call "lets enable the teenagers in procreating again and again and again and again." Yes she's such a bitch for standing up for what she's been taught. Shame on her! And her standards which she didnt come up with but her mother did. I hate to think I wasted my whole life walking the line when I could have just said fuck the rules and gotten away with it. Well  I guess some are luckier than others, some like me get slapped!

Day8 This is for yesterday

Today was an ok day. Despite my mother doing what she always does metaphorically and walking away when  im speaking to her about how I feel. Im in Tobago with la bruja. And tbh, its not that bad. However she is extremely superficial, not walking 2 walk near steve in case ppl see. Bitch get a life! At the risk of speaking prematurely, 1 down 1 to go

Day 7 : Contempt

You know what, screw all of you!

Day 6: Do you know?

How do you know that you screwed up as a parent? When you end up with one screwed up kid. How do you know you really screwed up? When the other kid screwed up even more and you ignore it. Fact is, life sucks. Fact is, my life sucks. But thats life I guess. Yeh right! Then why are some people happy. Then why do some people pretend to be happy to make the world seem more liveable? Why standards for some, and no standards for others? You raise one to be responsible, always aware of the rules and when bullshit happens, that role goes out the window and she is told to forget everything I indoctrinized in you. Forget it all. You no longer matter. All you were taught no longer matter. Recklessness and randomness runs the show. So i say screw you. One crying child is more important than the other. I will move out and forget you. You taught me to forget things. I will forget you, your rules and my former life

Day 5

Still in self imposed quarantine. Yet feeling better than before. Still hate it, still want to leave, still replaced,still alone, still looking in from the outside. When would she fully understand? Never. I just count down the days until I can move out and forget them all. 2 years to 25...no1 cares

DAY 3

She really doesnt get it? All the shoo shooing i spoke about and the secret society bullshit where she and the creature are always together mumbling about some secret society club stuff that i'll most likely never know about hurts. And ive said it before it will hurt. But its like oh fuck her, lets just flaunt it all. Flaunt all the bullshit. Flaunt that the baby daddy apparently stays over in a room behind a closed door. Flaunt that oh like she siad at least Giselle could give her her first grandchild. I just wanna move out of here as fast as possible and forget these fake uncaring people

DAY 2 Back in the home

I really feel so sad. I dont know what to do. I cant really say much. I ended things with ryan yesterday and felt much less than I feel right now. All my emotions are channeled into the fact that I have no family. I feel like a permanent loner and judging by what I did yesterday, i may never get the whole shebang. I just wish people would accept and love me for who I am. I just wish the mother would understand that im an outsider, Even more so with the new creature in town Im even more of a minute specimen. I really just wish I would die. No one would miss me. Ive run through the scenario numerous times. If a burgular breaks in and has to take someone hostage, I'll go, ill be the least missed and i think everyone would volunteer me cuz I have the least to lose.

Im Single again...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AwaA85nEbE

First time i did this by choice, made it my own decision. But it needed to be done. I wasnt happy. And i guess its best i see about myself before I compromise for anyone. As for how i'll feel tomorrow, i dont know. But there has to be some sort of freaking glitter I in the rainclouds.

Hold me when Im here, love me when Im gone

I just realized that im living for people and as a result dying in myself. Im not happy yet I try too hard to make them proud and make them happy. I never feel loved but I try 2 give love. I just wish someone would understand, really understand how I feel, how sad I get, how lonely I am....but i just need to shut up, mask it all and  take and take and take until im dead

The profession

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgaSawXk6JU

My profession of choice is supposed to be one of compassion, one  characterised by caring, feeling individuals. However Im beginning to realize just because you're paid to do it doesnt mean you are it. Tpday has been one of the toughest days of my life. A day of learning about people and more importantly, about myself. Im a crybaby, and usually that shouldnt be seen as a bad thing by a practicing psychologist. However today I was treated with the Caribbean Adult response. "What you crying for?. Is that really how its supposed to be. That you treat someone with hostility because they express a basic human emotion. Im tired because I tried. I did not deserve hostility. I feel like i have 2 options, just give up, or prove her wrong by excelling in her exam....I choose the latter

EVERYBODY'S TALKING!

Do you really love me, underneath it all? Thats the question I wonder if he wants to ask me. A year ago, a resounding yes, a night ago, a shrug, a deflection. The truth is, im human, I want to be loved. But i also want respect. I want to be adored. But not be allowed to treat you like a doormat. I wanna be treasured, and proudly display them and boast look what he gave me. Do I have that? No! So until then, I am not really happy.

Msc Applied Psychology Programme, CH

I know some will say the programme is relatively new, so I shouldnt bash it. But oh come on!  Here we have something that I signed up for, paid for, yet lecturers cant lecture. They come to class unprepared. The textbooks have not yet arrived 2 weeks before exams begin. And lecturers sometiimes can come across plain rude and unhelpful. Especially madame revered senator. If anyone out there reads this and is thinking about signing up, save your money, go elsewheere or give it some years. Because this toddler sure cant even walk yet!

Lyrical Emotions

Im sitting here studying, yes i know, how could i be studying while on this site but there's so much on my mind. The teddy bear he sent me in the mail, I HATE IT. Its ugly and quite frankly it reminds me of him. Him who do you ask. Him, the boyfriend. Yes, I can hear you, this girl is screwed up. And worse yet, when i said um yeh thanks for the bear, um it kinda looks like you, the proud ass said yeh i know thats why i picked it. Ugh! I really dont know what to do. Can anyone out there help me? Im looking for love, real love, like mary j blige wrapped up in all the sweetness like mandy moore's candy (ooh baby babyy i miss u) and topped of with some mariah carey's I cant live with living is without you. Is that too much 2 ask. Well im just patiently hoping to catch the love bug again

DONE

DUMPED
DUPED
DEMOLISHED
DESTROYED
DEVASTATED
DERILICT
DECEITFUL
DESERVING
DEPENDANT
DYING
DRYING EYES
NOT CRYING
PAIN
HURT
ALONE
KARMA
DONE~!

Better off dead

Maybe, the life i see, is just a dream, an illusion
.Maybe, this life i live isnt mine, but that of another person.
 Disrespect, Discontent, Disbelief, Dispair, Distrust,
Never Enough, Not good enough a life full of tears
I cry, and no one cares
They cry and everyone sees
They cry and the world stops spinning
I cry and have to just keep faking
Faking a smile
Pretending to care
While thinking fuck the world
Its just too much, yet i have lived so long compared to many unfortuntate ones
but why do i look to Judas' branch
Judas' tree to close my eyes
Im tired, i want, to not feel, to not care. To just say shut the fuck up
To just be me,  why cant everyone else be me
Why cant everyone else share my insane thoughts
Incoherent, psychotic, lonely
Take them all
Ambien, thats all i want, one little pill
and Say Cheese!!

Dear mother

It feels as if we had a superficial relationship. As if I cant speak to you. As if you dont want to hear what I say. It has always felt like in our house, the voices to be heard have always gone in the order of G You Me Boy. To me, she has always had cntrol of the house, and you, and your actions and as a result I feel like I could do no more than resent her. And I resent her to a point to which I dont understand. You say that you have always been fair and equal in your affection , but in no way has that even been close to being true. You never even notice the ease with which she can come to you with something, but the hesitance with which I have brought things to you. And trust me, I have learnt over time that its easier for me to deal with stuff myself than come to you because we dont have that.  She can tell you she slept with tom dick and harry, and got this and that rash, and its your little secret, you treat her like a saint. Yet in my mind, with all my actions I constantly hear you nagging that I am the oldest, I have an example to set.You fail to notice this. I feel like I am too old to be feeling this way and I hate that I cant just be like screw it all, I got along fine without it, so why bother now. But once again G has triumphed in what I see is a self serving attempt to have you under her beck and call for another 18 years. Where I said ok by 25 I was leaving home to give you your life, I see now that it will never again be your life it will revolve around G, for another 18 years. And I cant just suck it up and be like oh ok, forget it, because to me, once again G steals the show. And it is so upsetting that she does her mess without consequences. No consequences at all and you approve of it all. She lied to your face, but its ok, because in the end it is what it is.So does that mean that I can and could have lied to you, big lies, and dealt with nothing no. And it hurts so bad to think that you're happy abt this child. And to think that you saw it as something meriting being dishonest to me, and it is dishonest. And when you pretend not to understand why Im jealous, its just like ok...  So i feel like i have no place with you people here, in this house, because I am and will always be the outsider. And you see me stating my feelings as me being difficult, but I cannot help how I feel, Upset, Jealous and Lonely because lets face it, as soon as it comes, itll be oh im so happy, G made me proud and Grr is just a bitch who is trying to make everyone's  life a living hell.

I HATE HER

I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER STINKING SELFISH GUTS.  I HATE THAT SHE TAKES EVERYTHING AND SHE WILL ALWAYS BE SEEN AS THE ONLY ONE WHO NEEDS MY MOTHER. I HATE MY MOTHER FOR PERPETUALLY ENABLING HER AND ACTING LIKE SHE CAN DO NO WRONG. FUCK IT!!!!! SHE'S PREGNANT FOR AN IDIOT AT 18 AND PRETTY MUCH GUARANTEED TO HAVE TO LIVE A LIFE AS A SINGLE MOTHER. I HATE MYSELLF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING SO SHITTING SELFISH. I HATE THAT I CANT SEE THE SILVER LINING AT THE END OF THIS OH GREAT TUNNEL. I HATE THAT IM A PUSHOVER WHILE SHE'S ATAKER. I HATE THAT I CHOSE TO SACRIFICE MY DREAMS OF LANCASTER , THE SIMPLE ROUTE WHILE SHE CHOSE, YES CHOSE TO GET PREGNANT AND EMBROIL EVERYONE IN THIS MESS. IM SELFISH IM SELFISH YES. WHEN I GO AWAY 2 SCHOOL ALL EYES WILL BE ON HER AND HER GLORIOUS OFFSPRING.I HATE THAT IM ALWAYS SECOND TO GET ATTENTION. I HATE THAT SIMONNES MOM HAD TO ASK " IS SHE STILL RUNNING ALL OVER THE PLACE WITH YOUR SISTER? EVERYONE SEES IT BUT THEM!!!!!! EVERYONE AND I HATE IT. I HATE THAT I WAS PULLED OUT OF DANCE BUT ALL THE STOPS WERE MADE TO FORCE G TO GO DANCE. BUT NO ONE SEE IT. I HATE WHEN I POINT OUT SHE'S A LIAR IT IS IGNORED I HATE IT. BE SURPRISED. BUT SHE IS A LITTLE WHORE WHO WILL ALWAYS GET WHAT SHE WANTS AND  I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER. I HATE THAT SHE TOOK AWAY WHAT I WANT. WHAT I MAY NEVER HAVE. WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED 2 BE THE FIRST TO SHARE WITH MY MOTHER I HATE IT. I WILL NEVER HAVE THAT AND I HATE IT. I CANT STAY HERE IN THIS MIND. I CANT TAKE IT ALLL......I NEED SOMEONE 

Im Pathetic

Pathetic to  look into your street every time i'm near
Pathetic to check your tagged to see if im still on your mind
Pathetic to feel my heart skip a beat, when i hear your name
Pathetic to hate seeing her, smiling and want to kick her down
Pathetic to still feel for you after all that was said and done
Pathetic to think  of you when my current has done me wrong
Pathetic to be unalble to wear that charm, pretty charm on my wrist
Pathetic so pathetic to be even composing this

I self diagnosed myself with this....could be freall

Seasonal Depression Overview

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that is tied to seasons of the year. Most people with SAD are depressed only during the late fall and winter (sometimes called the "winter blues") and not during the spring or summer. A small number, however, are depressed only during the late spring and summer.

SAD is most common in young adult women, although it can affect men or women of any age. In North America, SAD may affect as many as 6 of every 100 people, more in the Northern portions of the country than in the South. Another 10-20% of people may have a milder form of seasonal mood change.

Like all types of depression, SAD can have a devastating effect on a person’s life. Fortunately, almost all people with SAD can be helped with available therapies.