On my own

I only write when im upset but its becoming clear that im always upset..I would never understand how you culd misenterpret what you do as support. You make me feel guilty for not working and not contributing. But im in school. And when you make sly comments like oh the only person you responsible for is the little boy it hurts because im drowning under loan paymnets and i mean although I know i am responsible.. You encouraged me to take them with the promise that you'd help me repay. You dont. Why is it so hard to understand why m in school and honestly sometimes you make me feel like youd be happier if i took the path you did, and just forgot about school and settled down. Idk if then id be happy but for so long my life has been a perpetual struggle to please you but its always that my accomplishments are trivialized or overshadowed by what she has done. You seem bored with me yet spend hours on her bed just gazing and listening to thr babbles of her accomplishments. And i feel as if once again you are ready for me to go, but go where. I think you will never understand how much i hold in, because I have learnt that I am the one who must keep quiet while she vents her anger such as the incident with the fan the other day. It feels likeso often your levels of anger is so misplaced and in doing so you solidify that i am the greather disappointment. I have no money, no job and I really cant go anywhere so why push me to go. All i feel is pressure, in my throat, in my chest and in my head and as always its making me more and mor depressed. being the persn i am i never forget ANYTHING that is sad to me and as a result your words from earlier keep playing in my head as painful as they are. I want o get out. I want to leave but i really cant and this is hurting me. But you nly see what you want to but even as writing this i know i am always wrong and nothing i say really meeans anything. who cares how i feel, its always me with me and me