I want to sleep but I cant, until i write
Until i get this out of my system
I dunno why its just here, back in my mind
I forgot it in a week, i got over it.
In september, i was naive, the dominican lured me to his room and i said oh i cant stay a while and dont think i doing nething with you. I barely knew him. Im a trusting idiot. I went, and we sat and spoke, then as i said ok u getting too close, and got up to leave he picked me up. Im tiny as hell, but didnt fathom I was that light, and flung me on the bed. Pinned me to the bed and while i kept saying no, he was kissing me and trying to get my shirt open. He called me a tease. I know its my fault, i still have the shirt, and this week while wearing it, i noticed the missing button and wondered if it was from that night. I did fight back, but then i just said what's the point, he's stronger, and I just went where my mind goes for a while. I got up and ran when he eased off a bit. But i was scared. Really scared. Didnt leave my room for a week. He came knocking, almost every night but i was too afraid to answer. Left notes under my door and even once jammed the door with his foot so i couldnt shut it while he threatened to come in. I Wondered why me, why out of all the promiscuous friends that had to happen. It has stopped, apart from his attempt to get a hug upon my return to halls this semester, he has begun to leave me alone. I looked for it,, and i couldn't tell my then boyfriend because I know how men are. My ex was pretty mean and condescending off of just looks. So what would R say about the events with the Dominican. And over the christmas vaca when he called me and called me a bitch and a slut. I knew it, to all men thats what we all are when we arent submitting to them. But could any girl reasonably explain to her boyfriend why she was alone in a guy's room without being accused of being a slut? No so to R I am. To BI was and to S I was a dumb bitch. These words do hurt, and tonight for some reason im crying and thinking and really really hurting. And i wish some day i would develop the ability to share all i feel, not with strangers but those close. Sometimes i wonder if i chose psychology because secretly I am a victim. I think what happened is called sexual assault if i choose to be politically correct. And it feels just as bad as being raped because you begin to question yourself, your behaviour and your worth. And since im venting, i was molested as a child, but to this day im not sure itll count because i was a child and it was my cousin. I didnt say a word to anyone until now
Until i get this out of my system
I dunno why its just here, back in my mind
I forgot it in a week, i got over it.
In september, i was naive, the dominican lured me to his room and i said oh i cant stay a while and dont think i doing nething with you. I barely knew him. Im a trusting idiot. I went, and we sat and spoke, then as i said ok u getting too close, and got up to leave he picked me up. Im tiny as hell, but didnt fathom I was that light, and flung me on the bed. Pinned me to the bed and while i kept saying no, he was kissing me and trying to get my shirt open. He called me a tease. I know its my fault, i still have the shirt, and this week while wearing it, i noticed the missing button and wondered if it was from that night. I did fight back, but then i just said what's the point, he's stronger, and I just went where my mind goes for a while. I got up and ran when he eased off a bit. But i was scared. Really scared. Didnt leave my room for a week. He came knocking, almost every night but i was too afraid to answer. Left notes under my door and even once jammed the door with his foot so i couldnt shut it while he threatened to come in. I Wondered why me, why out of all the promiscuous friends that had to happen. It has stopped, apart from his attempt to get a hug upon my return to halls this semester, he has begun to leave me alone. I looked for it,, and i couldn't tell my then boyfriend because I know how men are. My ex was pretty mean and condescending off of just looks. So what would R say about the events with the Dominican. And over the christmas vaca when he called me and called me a bitch and a slut. I knew it, to all men thats what we all are when we arent submitting to them. But could any girl reasonably explain to her boyfriend why she was alone in a guy's room without being accused of being a slut? No so to R I am. To BI was and to S I was a dumb bitch. These words do hurt, and tonight for some reason im crying and thinking and really really hurting. And i wish some day i would develop the ability to share all i feel, not with strangers but those close. Sometimes i wonder if i chose psychology because secretly I am a victim. I think what happened is called sexual assault if i choose to be politically correct. And it feels just as bad as being raped because you begin to question yourself, your behaviour and your worth. And since im venting, i was molested as a child, but to this day im not sure itll count because i was a child and it was my cousin. I didnt say a word to anyone until now
