I want to sleep but I cant, until i write
Until i get this out of my system
I dunno why its just here, back in my mind
I forgot it in a week, i got over it.
In september, i was naive, the dominican lured me to his room and i said oh i cant stay a while and dont think i doing nething with you. I barely knew him. Im a trusting idiot. I went, and we sat and spoke, then as i said ok u getting too close, and got up to leave he picked me up. Im tiny as hell, but didnt fathom I was that light, and flung me on the bed. Pinned me to the bed and while i kept saying no, he was kissing me and trying to get my shirt open. He called me a tease. I know its my fault, i still have the shirt, and this week while wearing it, i noticed the missing button and wondered if it was from that night. I did fight back, but then i just said what's the point, he's stronger, and I just went where my mind goes for a while. I got up and ran when he eased off a bit. But i was scared. Really scared. Didnt leave my room for a week. He came knocking, almost every night but i was too afraid to answer. Left notes under my door and even once jammed the door with his foot so i couldnt shut it while he threatened to come in. I Wondered why me, why out of all the promiscuous friends that had to happen. It has stopped, apart from his attempt to get a hug upon my return to halls this semester, he has begun to leave me alone. I looked for it,, and i couldn't tell my then boyfriend because I know how men are. My ex was pretty mean and condescending off of just looks. So what would R say about the events with the Dominican. And over the christmas vaca when he called me and called me a bitch and a slut. I knew it, to all men thats what we all are when we arent submitting to them. But could any girl reasonably explain to her boyfriend why she was alone in a guy's room without being accused of being a slut? No so to R I am. To BI was and to S I was a dumb bitch. These words do hurt, and tonight for some reason im crying and thinking and really really hurting. And i wish some day i would develop the ability to share all i feel, not with strangers but those close. Sometimes i wonder if i chose psychology because secretly I am a victim. I think what happened is called sexual assault if i choose to be politically correct. And it feels just as bad as being raped because you begin to question yourself, your behaviour and your worth. And since im venting, i was molested as a child, but to this day im not sure itll count because i was a child and it was my cousin. I didnt say a word to anyone until now
Until i get this out of my system
I dunno why its just here, back in my mind
I forgot it in a week, i got over it.
In september, i was naive, the dominican lured me to his room and i said oh i cant stay a while and dont think i doing nething with you. I barely knew him. Im a trusting idiot. I went, and we sat and spoke, then as i said ok u getting too close, and got up to leave he picked me up. Im tiny as hell, but didnt fathom I was that light, and flung me on the bed. Pinned me to the bed and while i kept saying no, he was kissing me and trying to get my shirt open. He called me a tease. I know its my fault, i still have the shirt, and this week while wearing it, i noticed the missing button and wondered if it was from that night. I did fight back, but then i just said what's the point, he's stronger, and I just went where my mind goes for a while. I got up and ran when he eased off a bit. But i was scared. Really scared. Didnt leave my room for a week. He came knocking, almost every night but i was too afraid to answer. Left notes under my door and even once jammed the door with his foot so i couldnt shut it while he threatened to come in. I Wondered why me, why out of all the promiscuous friends that had to happen. It has stopped, apart from his attempt to get a hug upon my return to halls this semester, he has begun to leave me alone. I looked for it,, and i couldn't tell my then boyfriend because I know how men are. My ex was pretty mean and condescending off of just looks. So what would R say about the events with the Dominican. And over the christmas vaca when he called me and called me a bitch and a slut. I knew it, to all men thats what we all are when we arent submitting to them. But could any girl reasonably explain to her boyfriend why she was alone in a guy's room without being accused of being a slut? No so to R I am. To BI was and to S I was a dumb bitch. These words do hurt, and tonight for some reason im crying and thinking and really really hurting. And i wish some day i would develop the ability to share all i feel, not with strangers but those close. Sometimes i wonder if i chose psychology because secretly I am a victim. I think what happened is called sexual assault if i choose to be politically correct. And it feels just as bad as being raped because you begin to question yourself, your behaviour and your worth. And since im venting, i was molested as a child, but to this day im not sure itll count because i was a child and it was my cousin. I didnt say a word to anyone until now
1 comment:
>.< Hugs >.< :( I don't know what to say, :( This is rather affecting, my poor thing, sigh. I wish I knew what to say, to comfort you, but all I can do is feel the sorrow your piece here emits. I understand the way men see us, and will always judge us, they will never understand how vulnerable we are, and we will always get the blame. Crying, after you're done, you should feel a bit better and be able to sleep. I wish this fucker never touched you >< If you can't sleep, I'm still up and scenes.
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