Day 7 : Contempt

You know what, screw all of you!

Day 6: Do you know?

How do you know that you screwed up as a parent? When you end up with one screwed up kid. How do you know you really screwed up? When the other kid screwed up even more and you ignore it. Fact is, life sucks. Fact is, my life sucks. But thats life I guess. Yeh right! Then why are some people happy. Then why do some people pretend to be happy to make the world seem more liveable? Why standards for some, and no standards for others? You raise one to be responsible, always aware of the rules and when bullshit happens, that role goes out the window and she is told to forget everything I indoctrinized in you. Forget it all. You no longer matter. All you were taught no longer matter. Recklessness and randomness runs the show. So i say screw you. One crying child is more important than the other. I will move out and forget you. You taught me to forget things. I will forget you, your rules and my former life

Day 5

Still in self imposed quarantine. Yet feeling better than before. Still hate it, still want to leave, still replaced,still alone, still looking in from the outside. When would she fully understand? Never. I just count down the days until I can move out and forget them all. 2 years to 25...no1 cares

DAY 3

She really doesnt get it? All the shoo shooing i spoke about and the secret society bullshit where she and the creature are always together mumbling about some secret society club stuff that i'll most likely never know about hurts. And ive said it before it will hurt. But its like oh fuck her, lets just flaunt it all. Flaunt all the bullshit. Flaunt that the baby daddy apparently stays over in a room behind a closed door. Flaunt that oh like she siad at least Giselle could give her her first grandchild. I just wanna move out of here as fast as possible and forget these fake uncaring people

DAY 2 Back in the home

I really feel so sad. I dont know what to do. I cant really say much. I ended things with ryan yesterday and felt much less than I feel right now. All my emotions are channeled into the fact that I have no family. I feel like a permanent loner and judging by what I did yesterday, i may never get the whole shebang. I just wish people would accept and love me for who I am. I just wish the mother would understand that im an outsider, Even more so with the new creature in town Im even more of a minute specimen. I really just wish I would die. No one would miss me. Ive run through the scenario numerous times. If a burgular breaks in and has to take someone hostage, I'll go, ill be the least missed and i think everyone would volunteer me cuz I have the least to lose.

Im Single again...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AwaA85nEbE

First time i did this by choice, made it my own decision. But it needed to be done. I wasnt happy. And i guess its best i see about myself before I compromise for anyone. As for how i'll feel tomorrow, i dont know. But there has to be some sort of freaking glitter I in the rainclouds.

Hold me when Im here, love me when Im gone

I just realized that im living for people and as a result dying in myself. Im not happy yet I try too hard to make them proud and make them happy. I never feel loved but I try 2 give love. I just wish someone would understand, really understand how I feel, how sad I get, how lonely I am....but i just need to shut up, mask it all and  take and take and take until im dead